When Enemies Become Educators: How Your Adversaries Can Be Your Greatest Teachers
In junior high school (the 1980s equivalent of “middle school”), I had an “adversary” in my chorus class. We both sang, we both played piano, we were friends. We both led our chorus sections (she was a soprano, I was an alto). We both began accompanying the choir. Somewhere in these three years, a competitive edge I never knew I had surfaced. I became obsessed with being better than her.
I wanted to accompany the chorus playing the harder music. I began practicing ridiculous amounts of time on the piano. I began taking guitar AND singing lessons. I remember we both went up for a solo, and the chorus director caught in the middle ended up giving the solo to another student…who wasn’t even in the competition I had manufactured! By the end of the eighth grade, my adversary received an award. I was crushed and yet determined to be better.
In high school, I continued to practice piano several hours a day and continued to be the alto section leader in the high school choruses. Damn it if we BOTH didn’t make show choir AND the top choir the same year. I continued my singing lessons and somehow managed to squeeze in playing piano for several children’s musicals. I even wrote the music for two of those musicals! We were both Thespians and often competed for the same parts. Of course, we were in the same honors classes, and I had to do better than her. At the end of the four years…I was chosen to win the music scholarship! I can’t remember if it was for $100 or $1000, but I got it!
As I write this…I’m sitting here thinking WTF was wrong with me? My parents knew I had made up this rivalry. Do you think they said, “Relax, Traci. We love you no matter what happens. Just enjoy your time in high school.”
Fuck no.
They were right there cheering me on. “Did you get your homework done? Did you practice piano today? It’s time for dance lessons!”
As I look back on this, my “adversary” triggered something in me. I could do better, and I knew it. Forty years later, I now see that we both pushed each other to be our best.
I thought of this old rivalry now, because it appears I have a few new adversaries. I find myself at the center of a fight I never wanted to be in, and I realize I may not be alone.
We’ve all probably had the critic who can’t wait to point out our flaws. The gossip who seems weirdly invested in your downfall. The ex-friend, ex-lover, ex-coworker who suddenly becomes a walking cautionary tale.
These people-the ones who challenge you, trigger you, or downright make your blood boil—might seem like obstacles on your path. But what if they’re actually… guides?
Yes, I said it. Your adversaries—those button-pushing, eye-roll-inducing humans—might just be your most powerful teachers.
Let’s unpack that.
Adversaries Trigger What Still Needs Healing
Nothing shines a spotlight on your unresolved wounds quite like someone poking at them with a stick. The person who makes you feel invisible, inadequate, or infuriated isn’t causing those feelings—they’re activating them.
And that activation? It’s a gift.
If someone’s behavior stirs up a disproportionate reaction in you, you’ve just found a growth opportunity. That trigger is a map pointing you toward where you still need healing, boundaries, or self-reflection.
They Show You Who You’re Not
Ever spend time around someone so unpleasant you leave thinking, “Well, at least I’ll never be like that”?
Congratulations. That’s a values check-in.
Your adversaries often hold up a mirror, not of who you are, but of who you refuse to become. Their behavior reminds you of what you stand for, what matters to you, and how you choose to show up in the world.
Sometimes the best lessons come from bad examples.
They Teach You How to Hold Your Power
Adversaries challenge your ability to stay calm, centered, and true to yourself. They tempt you to lash out, stoop low, or abandon your own integrity.
But every time you resist that temptation? You level up.
Responding with grace when you could’ve thrown verbal grenades… Setting boundaries instead of seeking revenge… Choosing compassion over competition…
These are acts of spiritual strength. And you only get to flex those muscles when someone tries to drag you into the mud.
They Expose What You Tolerated For Too Long
Sometimes adversaries serve as wake-up calls. They show up to make you so uncomfortable that you’re finally willing to make a change.
A toxic coworker might push you to find a job that honors your worth. An abusive relationship might awaken your self-respect. A controlling board member might motivate you to study statutes like a legal ninja. (Ahem.)
Their behavior is unacceptable, but your tolerance of it becomes the turning point. Your pain becomes your permission slip to walk away, rise up, or reinvent yourself.
They Help You Clarify Your Mission
Nothing sharpens your clarity like opposition. Adversaries challenge you to get crystal clear about what you believe in, what you’ll fight for, and what you absolutely won’t tolerate.
And in doing so, they help you solidify your purpose.
They force you to define yourself, not by what you’re against, but by what you stand for. That clarity? It’s rocket fuel for your evolution.
The Bottom Line: Bless the Lesson, Not the Behavior
Let’s be clear: This isn’t about spiritually bypassing abuse, injustice, or cruelty. This is about reclaiming your power despite those experiences, not pretending they didn’t hurt.
You don’t have to thank your adversaries. You don’t have to keep them in your life. But you can thank the version of you that grew stronger, wiser, and more self-aware because of them.
Because sometimes, the people who try to break you are the very ones who activate your becoming.
And that… is their real legacy.
Call to Reflection:
Who in your life challenged you the most, and what did you learn about yourself because of them?
Drop it in the comments or journal it out. Remember: You don’t grow because life is easy. You grow because you’re brave enough to learn from everything.
Even the assholes.
