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  • Writer's pictureTraci Kanaan


Please enjoy this collection of quotes from modern day philosophers (comedians) about the true meaning of the holidays. ~Traci

Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? The birth of Santa? -Bart Simpson

It would be a Hanukkah miracle if we could decide on a way to spell "Hanukkah." —anonymous

"Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice." —Dave Barry

"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying ‘toys not included.'" —Bernard Manning

"What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day." —Phyllis Diller.

"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph." —Shirley Temple

"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year." —Victor Borge

"Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard." —Andy Borowitz

"Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call." —Richard Lewis

"There are some people who want to throw their arms round you simply because it is Christmas; there are other people who want to strangle you simply because it is Christmas."

– Robert Staughton Lynd

"People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas." —Unknown

"Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It’s like, ‘Oh great, socks. You know I’m dying for your sins, right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They’ll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?'" —Jim Gaffigan

"One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas Day. Don’t clean it up too quickly." —Andy Rooney

I hope your Kwanzaa is filled with people not asking what Kwanzaa is. —anonymous

Hanukkah is eight days, because it takes people that long to realize it’s Hanukkah. — Anonymous

"This holiday season, no matter what your religion is, please take a moment to reflect on why it’s better than all the other ones."

– Guy Endore Kaiser

"I get a little behind during Lent, but it comes out even at Christmas."

– Frank Butler

"What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present."

– Don Marquis

"I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange."

– Henny Youngman

"Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas." – Johnny Carson

"I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping."

– Steven Wright

"Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas."

– Kin Hubbard

"My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge." —Melanie White

"You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger." —Robert Paul

"Christmas is a box of tree ornaments that have become part of the family."—Charles M. Schulz

"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus." —Bob Phillips

"I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin." —Winston Spear

"I don’t want Christmas season to end, because it’s the only time I can legitimately indulge in on particular addiction: glitter." —Eloisa James

"Some people are born for Halloween, and some are just counting the days until Christmas." — Stephen Jone

"That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me." —Jerry Seinfeld

Happy "Whatever Doesn’t Offend You."

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