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  • Writer's picturecocoy montenegro

Forgiving Others

Updated: Jun 28

We continue with our April blog theme of Fools and Forgiveness.  Last week I wrote about forgiving yourself…and this week will be on forgiving others.

One of the hardest parts of my job is encouraging my clients to “forgive” the other person for the horrible things they caused in the lives of my clients.  I’ve heard many awful, horrific, painful things that my clients have suffered through.  They often opt not to tell me what those things are…but I can see the tears stream down their face as they begin to process or re-process the memories in order to let go of the crap memories that hold them back.  One step on the road to healing within is to “forgive” the other person(s) for what they’ve done.

I make every effort to guide my clients down this path.  Many of my clients have endured decades of therapy, and feel they’ve already dealt with their “shit” and “forgiven” the person(s) who hurt them.  And yet…there they are…in my chair still hurting, wondering why they’re still hurting!   They’ve talked/chatted/bitched/complained about their problems for hours, but they’ve never fully processed all of the emotions that come with them.  The coping patterns they developed years before continue to play out over and over, never being fully dealt with because they haven’t fully experienced “forgiveness.”  If they claim their misfortune as a “badge of honor,” then they may continue to avoid processing the emotions, because unconsciously they wonder “Who will I be if I’m not this?”

“Complete forgiveness” is being able to let go of what happened to you.  It’s being able to trade places with the person(s) who hurt you, putting yourself in their shoes, and seeing their life through their eyes, even if it’s only for a moment.  In most cases, my client is able to reveal that their aggressor has experienced a “less than ideal life.”  When thinking about the horrific conditions in which they were raised, it gives them a whole new perspective on their experience.  In no way does it make things “right,” but it often explains “why.”  

Most of us, perhaps all of us, were not born with a customized child-rearing manual.  Our parents/caregivers can and will only give their “children” the skills and knowledge they themselves have.  For example, if you’re not book smart and don’t see the importance of being book smart, chances are your offspring will not be book smart.  If you’re not book-smart but see the importance of being book-smart, your parent will see to it that you get an education.

If your parents were neglected and abused by their parents, it’s likely they will pass on a similar upbringing to you.  Even though we have schools and numerous social programs to try to make others aware of alternative ways to raise children, unfortunately, it takes a lot less time to make a baby than to learn how to raise yours with a healthy balance of intelligence, love, patience, and kindness.  

One of my clients came in to see me for “anger management.”  He appeared to be the nicest guy in the world!  He was also taking care of his wife with dementia, who called him names.  And then his wife’s doctor would come in, and talk down to him.  He also worked in customer service and was talked down to daily by irate customers.  He was watching TV and saw a man calling someone else names.  This was the final straw…and he ended up throwing his phone into the TV with everything he had.  He set up his appointment with me a week later.

I asked my client to begin trading places with his elementary school bully.  He recalled the bully had “the snot beat out of him by his father” regularly.  The bully, full of rage and unable to emotionally process what he was experiencing, took out his anger on my client.  My client realized the bully was raised in a home without love and acceptance.  Once he realized that, he was able to begin forgiving the bully for what he had done.  Once he experienced that forgiveness, he was able to trade places with his wife, his doctor, and the guy on TV…and no longer experienced the emotional triggers.  Hypnosis and childhood regression are one of the quickest and easiest ways to end years of suffering.  For more information, please visit 

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